Suck it in, stand straight, don't slouch, DON'T LET YOUR STOMACH SHOW.!!!!
I can't remember exactly how old I was when I decided I was fat and my stomach was too big and I was therefore unworthy. I remember dreading swimming lessons in primary school because people would see how fat I was. How big my boobs were how my stomach was not flat. Looking back now I realise that I was not fat but, as we all know kids can be cruel and any difference was reason to be mocked.
I was shorter than the other girls, I was more developed than the other girls because I got my period at 11. So while the other girls in my class still looked like perfect little girls I looked like an "overstuffed sausage" as I was told.
The major bone of contention I had with my body was my stomach and my boobs which in my opinion were far too large. The embarrassment over my non-conforming body got the better of me and to get out of swimming class I pretended to drown one day (I know extreme right) but after, I was never expected to a swim again because I was "emotionally scarred." I would have rather faced the teasing that came from drowning than risk being called fat again.
Also, I was B team swimming at the time and I had been chosen to try out for A team swimming at that point which meant I would have been able to represent my school. In my mind this was not a good thing to be proud of, this meant that people from other schools would now see how fat I was.
This embarrassment over my body followed to highschool. Where to get out of any sporting activities I concocted some skin condition which meant I couldn't be out in the sun for long. Living in Botswana where it is always ridiculously hot this meant I didn't have to do any sport of any kind where I might potentially expose my fat stomach.
This embarrassment and extreme self-consciousness over what I saw as my biggest fear has haunted me forever. I have a million waist trainers, hot shapers, I even bought the vibro shape belt and the AB King Pro years ago. I have drunk thousands of herbal teas and done a million tummy wraps to get a flat stomach. Any gimmick that promised me that I would look the way I should I would buy.
I've always believed that if my stomach was flatter and my boobs more proportional then I would be happier. I would finally be worthy of being loved and wanted ( I actually got dumped once because I was too fat and we looked wrong.) My entire self-worth was based on the size of stomach and how small I could get my waist.
I have lived with this feeling for so long that I never thought I would see things differently. Then I signed up for the #FITLIKEMEZA PTA Hike and there was a slight shift on the build up to the event. Maybe it was all the chats with Natasha maybe it was the fact that I'm nearing 35 and I'm tired of hating myself but I decided I was going to wear a crop top for the hike.
That is until I saw what I looked like in the mirror so I chickened out and I wore my regular baggy Tshirt over my crop top.
At some point during the hike we spoke about toxic relationships and I kind of zoned out for a minute. I didn't think I needed this talk I am great at cutting out toxic people, I can very easily never speak to you again.
In trying to be a good participant though I decided to pay attention and I realised something, I AM THE TOXIC PERSON.
Even if I cut out people I keep the words and feelings they have said and evoked in me so alive and I repeat this vile poison to myself daily. Even if they weren't physically present their words and my hurt was there on display everyday. I was being toxic to myself, I was the one putting myself down I was the one short changing myself because I was choosing to believe why other people thought.
Now this realisation is by no means a magic quick fix. I am not now this overly confident person that about to enter Mrs South Africa, and wear a bikini.
However I did wear that crop top. Albeit only for a short while before I went back to the safety of my regular top but for that moment I let other people see the fat rolls I am so ashamed of. The fat rolls I keep so hidden under layers
It's easy to cut out the toxic people from your life but letting go of that toxicity and not internalising it is a whole other thing. Sometimes our worst critic and the one most harmful to our mental health is the person staring back at in the mirror.