So in all my researching while I was pregnant I knew all about mom guilt and I was determined I would not fall victim. I had a plan, schedules back-up plans and besides this is what I have always wanted so why would I feel anything other than joy at finally being a mom. Besides it's not as if mom guilt is a recognised medical or psychiatric condition. From all my research it appeared to be more of that pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may “mess up” your kid in the long run.
What Really Happened
As you can probably guess by now I did not escape mom guilt. It made its first appearance on my second night in the hospital. Less than 24 hours after Toren was born, it gave me no forward warning that it would come for a visit that would turn me into a crying snotty mess. That evening my parents and Tony's parents came for the evening visit and we took pictures, laughed and just had a grand ol great visit.
After they left Toren was a little niggly and a little niggly quickly turned into him crying and me unable to calm him. "Does he have wind? does he need more milk? Shit am I not making enough milk? Should I ask the nurse for formula? I decided to brave it out and ask the nurse for formula and I was not sure what to expect because it's not like I packed feeding bottles in my hospital bags. The nurse eventually came back with a syringe or formula and assured me it would be enough.
The formula didn't work and Toren would not stop crying. I eventually called my mom at 10PM asking her to please come back. Logically I knew that she would not be allowed back in at that hour but I was at a loss. I can't remember exactly what she told me to do but somehow it worked and we both slept that night. he next morning the paed said something about cluster feeding and had a lactation consultant come have a chat with me.
I was recently reminded of this incident when I swapped phones with Tony and while restoring my WhatsApp messages I saw a message from my sister from that night. She had sent me a prayer to help with calming Toren and my emotions.
From that day on mom guilt has been my unwelcome companion on this parenting journey. some days it lingers for days other times it is gone in a fleeting moment. In the past few weeks it has unfortunately reared it's ugly head a lot more thanks to COVID.
Parenting is tough enough, but parenting during a pandemic and that coinciding with me going back to work after being 100% present with Toren for the first 3 years of his life has been tough. Ku rough, ku tense guys.
Lately, with roles changing and our situation being so dynamic I have come to realise that the guilt isn't limited to just Mom's. There have been times when the guilt has caught up to Tony as well. The feminist in me rejoiced at this because it finally means we are moving closer to equality if dads can understand what mom's deal with, but the parent in me is saddened by this because I know how overpowering that guilt can be and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
The upside of both of us experiencing the same parenting challenges have meant that we have come up with a few coping strategies because no one wants to be in a home with two stressed-out parents.
Now, this is by no means an exact science but it has certainly helped us.
Overcoming Parenting Guilt
1. Identify Your Triggers
Try to journal when that pang of guilt hits and see the patterns that emerge. Most times it may be in you trying to undo a past trauma or parenting style that you experienced.
2. Know Your Truth
It's ok to be the family that sticks to a strict schedule, that allows for co-sleeping or that eats dinner in front of the TV. It's your family your rules and do what works for you even if it does not look like what everyone else is doing. Protect your truth because there will be those who will question your decisions and values.
3. Reevaluate Your Inner Circle
You are less likely to feel the pangs of guilt as often if you surround yourself by people who either share your values or who respect and do their best to support you and your family.
4. Listen To Your Children
Who better to give you honest, real feedback about your parenting decisions than those that you parent. Children are a treasure trove of information and what they have to say will surprise you. After all the amazing fun activities I've had lined up for Toren his favourite part of the day was watering the garden with me. The only free activity of the day was his favourite. Who would have guessed?
Above all, though just love your kids in your own way. God choose you to parent these asking previous beings and he makes no mistakes.