Fast forward a few years later and it is not perfect, it is a freaking circus up in here guys. I am the shouty, loud mom that is always losing it. I always knew I was a yeller and that I had a very short fuse but the toddler years feel like a baptism of fire. I am so far from the picture perfect mom I had always imagined instead I am the scary mom that is always shouting.
One day while consulting with trusty Google for answers to some or other problem I stumbled across a video by Mayim Bialik (Amy from the Big Bang Theory) where she spoke about how she apologises to her kids. Now I know what you are thinking and I also thought it was some weird attachment parenting hippie crap. I watched the whole thing though and at the end, I decided I would try this whole apology thing coz it's not like things could get any worse.
Now if you know me you know that I am a little stubborn and I can hold on to a grudge for a long time. I will forget why I am mad but I will still be mad and my apologies are always somewhat conditional. You know those " I'm sorry that you were hurt but this is just the way I am," type of apologies. If you have ever received one of these half baked apologies from me, SORRY.
Implementing this new apologising plan was not easy. I do not come from a generation where parents apologised to their kids. There has always been a definite hierarchy where parents are at the top and kids are more seen and not heard. This whole approach felt like it was going against every fibre of my being. This is definitely not the Kreole way. So I just kept putting it off and continued with my loud shouty self.
Then the one day Toren had a meltdown at supper time, he actually smashed his plate to the floor and because I'm still trying to be picture perfect I gave him a regular plate which obviously shattered. I got so mad and I shouted that he needed to go to his room. When I went to check on him later because now mom guilt had got me, he recoiled in terror when I tried to hug because my fury was that bad and he was scared of me. In that instant knew I had to apologise because this would be one of those defining moments where he could either learn how to be a better person or this could be the first brick laid for future anger issues. My biggest fear is raising him to be a toxic man who thinks he owed the world simply by virtue of his manhood. So I fumbled an apology and asked for forgiveness and his little face lit up and said: "its ok mama I love you."
We now have a rundown at the end of each day where we discuss how we both felt and if any feelings were hurt and we apologise to each other. The most beautiful thing in all of this is that he has learnt to apologise on his own and recognise which of his behaviours might warrant an apology. This morning he actually had a full-on tantrum and once he had calmed down and we spoke he : "sorry mama I shouted." I eventually found out that he was mad because apparently "every day working, working, working never playing."
I know the thought of apologising to your child might be a little scary and feel like you are losing your power but remember children model the behaviour they see. So they need to see you own up for your own behaviours.
The first apology might be a little awkward so I've compiled a few easy steps to get you started.
1) Own Your Feelings And Take Responsibility For Them
Remember we are human and we all get frustrated that's normal but what your kids need to see is how to deal with those frustrations in a healthy manner.
2) Connect The Feeling The Action
Explain your feelings to them and connect it to the action. Don't say things like "I'm sorry I shouted but I would not have hurt my feet if you packed your Lego away," rather opt for " mama hurt her feet and that made her angry"
3) Apologise For Your Actions
Point out which action of yours was inappropriate and explain why. "I shouted at you because I was frustrated and it was wrong of me to take my frustrations out on you"
4) Recognize Your Childs Feelings
Show your child that you understand that they were hurt or scared in that moment. Make sure that they know that your affection for them is not based on them fulfilling your expectations. We all probably know an adult who always feels that crushing weight of having to meet their parent's expectations to be able to feel worthy of love.
5) Ask For Forgiveness
Literally as simple as it sounds, "please forgive me"
6)Keep The Lines of Communication Open
Discuss a way forward and let your child know that they can come back and talk to you about this anytime they need to. Toren usually comes back a few days later to ask "why sometimes you get angry mama"
The bad sometimes ugly emotions are part of life and we have to teach our little ones how to navigate them.
Please see below for the link to Mayims video, her parenting tips are actually pretty amazing.