Today is our 5th wedding anniversary, well technically 6th because we were legally married the year before our wedding celebration.
The OCD pedantic lawyer in me wanted to make sure that legally everything was taken care of before we could party.
So to all the folks that made comments about how this was a "vat en sit" (unmarried couple living together)situation the year before I guess the jokes on you. *insert laugh here.
Today Tony and I are both different people to the couple that naively went in for a home affairs interview many years ago. So much has changed and we have stuck it out through the good and the bad times. Some of the bad times were really bad and left us asking if this is really it.
Yet here we are still riding it out together. So I thought I would share a few lessons we have learnt in this time.
YOUR MARRIAGE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT
Like with kids no two marriages are the same, so stop comparing your relationship to Tom and Sue down the road. In the beginning I was very hung up on this timeline that I thought we had to achieve in order to be a successful couple in other peoples eyes. The more we didn't fit this mould the more miserable I was making both of us.
GO TO BED ANGRY IF YOU MUST
If you told me this years ago I would have laughed and said its a recipe for a disastrous marriage. Truth is though in marriage small things can easily escalate to big things and before you know it, it's a full on argument. In those extremely tense moments it is so easy to say something hurtful to your partner that you can't take back. If you are mad it's ok to take a breather and calm down before you have a discussion about it.
I will admit this has been hard for me to accept. Tony's stance has always been that if he is that angry he will rather take a time out on his own to decompress and work though it so we can discuss things calmly. In the beginning this would break me and I would equate it with being unloved. I see now that its actually a sign of love to take that moment so you don't unintentionally hurt your partner with your words.
KIDS CHANGE THE WHOLE DYNAMIC
I love Toren and I can't imagine our lives without him, but it definitely was not a smooth transition. Once a baby comes along everything changes you are no longer this carefree couple that can have diced pineapples and vodka on a Wednesday evening(sneak peak into life pre Toren) coz there is a whole human dependant on you for their survival now.
It will feel like the end of your marriage and in a way it is. It's the end of that chapter and you are now a whole new family unit. It will take time to find your feet and its ok to reach out for help when you feel it's too much.
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
We've all heard this saying before and patience really is the key. Practice patience not just with your spouse but to your kids, colleagues and the cashier at the supermarket. When you get impatient and worked up that vibe stays with you for so long and you unintentionally come home and take that out on your spouse.
So take some time out and just woosah.
DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
I would constantly get upset at small things like dirty clothes near the laundry hamper or cofffe mugs on the couch. I would fly into a full on rage the over these tiny things that to the outside world seems irrelevant.
Then one day after I had done the dishes I saw Tony go back and wipe and polish all the cutlery I had just washed. Now when I saw this I was ready to start a fight coz homegirl took this as an attack on her housekeeping skills. Instead I tried to practice patience. After we spoke about it and I realised that Tony didn't like the water marks on the cutlery. Now here's the shocker Tony said nothing to me because "it's not that big a deal" and he can just do it coz it bugs him.
Tony and I are by no means perfect and we have lots of moments that never make it to social media.
Remember though that an indication of a good marriage isn't the absence if conflict but how you resolve that conflict. You and your partner are whole and complete individuals separate of each other that have chosen to join your paths. You are bound to disagree on certain things but the right partner will work through those disagreements with you.
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